Heart of Darkness

We have a friend who traveled the world for over a year.  He reported that he felt closed off and alienated when he got home.  He was distrustful of almost everyone and found it very difficult to merge back into any sort of normal routine.  He spent almost his first full year at college in Bellingham just re-adapting to socializing with his peers.  He often tried to explain it better, but he couldn't really.  He just said he felt like it was really hard to connect with anyone.  He felt like he had hardened as he traveled.  It was as if he became more and more like the worst parts of the people he encountered.  We think we got a brief glimpse of what our friend was talking about during our time in China. 

We were startled at first by the directness and seemingly inconsiderate behavior we witnessed in China.  Certain behaviors felt socially unacceptable to us because of the emphasis on manners and politeness we are taught at an early age, but these behaviors are just how Chinese culture is - it isn't bad, just different.  We were unnerved by the elbows thrown into our backs in subway stations and at popular sights.  We were surprised to watch person after person cut directly to the front of the line at the Beijing West train station.  We often looked at each other, startled, as someone nearby hacked and hacked and hacked until they finally spit loudly and triumphantly onto the sidewalk.  We watched in horror as people casually dropped trash in the street or unloaded piles of garbage into potted trees.  But those were our early days in China.  We never really got used to the hacking, and we never littered (or had to since trash bins were more readily available in China than in Japan, go figure), but soon enough we were shoving our way onto buses and metros.  We often caught ourselves edging people out of the way or pushing innocent bystanders as we walked in crowded areas or queued up for something.  We had to fight fire with fire.  If we didn't push back we would have been bowled over.

Then again, that isn't us.  We would look at each other in shock after one of us pushed our way onto a train, as we often didn't even realize what we had done until after the crime had been committed.  Annette was shocked to see Jeff snap at several hawkers.  He would always feel bad after and vow not to menace at them in the future, but in the heat of the moment some new instinct would just kick in. 

Jeff started referring to such moments as the Heart of Darkness.  Jeff's literary reference is to the 1899 James Conrad novella, The Heart of Darkness, which is, in short, about how a new land can contort and twist one's nature and intentions.  We wouldn't think about our behavior, we would just do as the people around us did, which often meant becoming more rude (from a Western perspective), more physical within crowds, and totally self-centered in regards to strangers.  It was freaky to notice ourselves becoming more and more like the parts we liked (or understood) least about China and the culture.  And the constant barrage of hawkers trying to sell us things and touts trying to take us to hotels and guest houses didn't help either.  The walls went up quickly and were hard to take down.

As we have noted before, there was so much we liked about Chinese culture.  It may have been our favorite country we've visited so far because it was so different from what we are used to and comfortable with.  We are glad that we can talk and remember fondly now the best parts about Chinese culture (the bond between families, genuine kindness, the subtle and remarkable ebb and flow of the massive human machine, and the focus on family and friendships as a healthy foundation, to name a few) changed our perspectives and enlightened us to another way of living.  We are thankful to have been able to visit and experience China, and we apologize to any locals or tourists we may have pushed, cut in front of, ignored, or just plain walked over - It is easy to lose yourself in the Heart of Darkness.

Up Next: Thailand!!